I recently started taking private yoga classes. I've dabbled in yoga
before, with my most serious phase taking place a few years ago when I
was attending two classes a week for a few months. Then, like a lot of
things in life, I slowly abandoned it for something else. Over the past
year, I've tried to get back into the habit of attending at least one
class per week. Yoga has a way of showing me not only what I need to
work on in my body, but also in my mind.
The rigidity in my body reflects the rigidity in my mind.
Since the mind and body are so beautifully intertwined, the thoughts I
hold in my head show up physically in my body. My yoga instructor
pointed this out rather poignantly one day when I was laying on the
floor struggling with a simple pose. He said, "Your body is so
tense...it's like there's something you can't let go of in your mind.
You're very resistant. You need to relax and just let go. Then your
body will follow."
He's right - I have a very strong mind. A big part of my spiritual
practice has involved softening and stretching my thought processes to
encompass more and more beliefs and allow a broader view of the world.
Just like with yoga, it takes time and practice. "Little by little," as
my instructor would say.
Perfection is in the moment - regardless of what that moment is. It's not in the end goal.
I grew very frustrated in yoga the other day. It's not the first time,
either. Yoga has a way of bringing up emotions in me that otherwise
stay neatly tucked away where no one else can see them (including me!).
It started when my instructor, who has been going very slowly with
me because of how tight my body is, suggested we do some faster-moving
poses to get warmed up. Well, that was fine... until I realized that my
body just isn't flexible enough in some regards to do certain poses.
Something that looks very simple can actually be very difficult for me
to do the right way because of how my body is currently strung
together. Rather than accept this fact, though, I get upset about it.
My brain starts shouting at me, "You should be able to do more! Look
how stiff you are! Look how weak!" and I grow more and more frustrated.
My frustration leads to letdown, and then I'm left with an odd feeling
like I can't do anything (simply because I can't do something).
Looking at it a bit closer, it's the story of my life, actually. If
I can't do something perfectly, I emblematically throw my hands up and
decide I don't want to do it at all. There's very little middle ground
in my (old) mindset, but I know I need to work on that. After all,
enjoyment comes throughout the process - but the key is, I have to let
myself take pleasure in the steps along the way and try not to jump
ahead to some (maybe unattainable) "perfect" end goal.
After class, my instructor could see I was having trouble with what
had transpired, so he talked to me for a half-hour about letting go of
expectations. He also asked me how much time I spend practicing each
week. He said I should be doing an hour a day if I want to progress. I
shook my head and said that I spend maybe 15 minutes a day. He pointed
out that if I only spend 15 minutes a day, it's not enough to go deeper
and gain the flexibility my mind thinks I should have. So suddenly it
dawned on me that I have this far-out expectation of how flexible I
think I should or want to be, but I'm not willing or able to devote the
energy to make it happen. It takes practice, time, and dedication... If
I wanted to be a concert pianist, I couldn't just play piano 10 minutes
here or there and expect to be great. I might have natural talent, but
that's not what it takes to be a concert-level performer. Eesh...
It's tough for me to accept that I can't be perfect, strange as it may sound. That's
my bottom line. Yet, as my yoga instructor pointed out the other day,
do I devote the time it takes to accomplish the extreme goals I hold in
my mind? In many cases, no! I might do enough to get by, but certainly
not what it might actually take to accomplish that far out ambition my
brain clings so tightly to. And really, that's what I need to work on.
There's a middle ground that I'm conceptually aware of, but since
youth, have had a tough time walking along.
These lessons are coming at such an interesting time. They're
forcing me to re-evaluate many things I've been challenged with, but
haven't always fully understood. Thanks to yoga, it's not only my body
that's being stretched, but my mind, as well.
