I had a crazy couple of days during a recent trip to Oregon. I was traveling by myself, and found that I got caught up in feelings of self-doubt, weakness and despair…Traits I subsequently berated myself for exhibiting. The sadder and deeper my emotions ran, the more I resisted them, but ultimately I fell victim to their whims. The next thing I knew, I was at the bottom of a dark well, looking up and hoping someone – anyone – would walk by and throw me a rope.
It didn’t happen right away.
What did end up happening, though, is that I placed a few urgent prayers to the powers that be, and begged them to help me. When I woke up the next morning, I had a flash of insight, “Call the one person who will understand what you’re going through.” So I did; I called on a friend who has served as a spiritual sounding board for me over the last two years and who has a way of helping me unlock what it is I’m going through – practically breathing new life into my experiences and helping view them in a new light. It was the first time I would have ever called him in such a state – feeling incomprehensibly more miserable than I had the day prior. As luck would have it, he answered his phone (a rarity between the two of us over the last nine months, as we usually play an energized game of phone tag for weeks at a time before giving up!).
I proceeded to tell him about the way I was feeling, and then continued to explain how badly I felt about feeling bad. I was supposed to be beyond that, after all – above it, somehow. I’m the goddamn joy girl, for heaven's sake! He understood; he’d been there, too. Thank God… Finally, I wasn’t alone.
During one point in our conversation, he asked, “What is it you’re afraid of?” (I thought to myself, “There’s one hell of a question.”) I took a breath, paused for a few seconds and again, had a flash of insight. “Wow, I just saw it… plain as day. I’m afraid that all the goodness I’ve experienced over the last year – all the great stuff I manifested – is just an illusion. That somehow, it’s all a colossal trick and what everyone else says and believes – that life is hard – I’m afraid that’s the reality. I’m afraid that what I believe about manifesting, joy, abundance…it isn’t real.”
What I said didn’t phase him in the slightest. I could even hear him whispering “yes” as I expounded on my fears, practically nodding in agreement on the other end of the phone.
His response was this: anyone who’s on an authentic path has the same fear. We fear that who we are and what we’re all about is fake, and that the parts of our past that we worked so hard to overcome will once more get the best of us. The fear materializes as feelings of self-doubt, sadness, listlessness, desperation, and then dances right on the verge of depression. It usually shows up after a period of great joy, too, as if vehemently trying to prove that we're never far from where we started - almost like the path we're on is just a big vicious circle. Anyone who’s ever felt this fear knows that at the time, it just seems so real and looms over everything like a thick, ominous black cloud. And those of us who feel it give it power by letting it buckle our knees until we’re down on the ground, in prayer position, begging for help.
In my case, I gave it power by willingly walking over to the edge of that deep well and obediently jumping in.
For me, the craziest part about all of this is that to even get on the path of authenticity in the first place, I had to face an army of demons and systematically cleanse myself of whatever no longer resonated with my heart center (but first I had to find my heart center!). That systematic cleansing was a rough process, too, and if I’m remembering correctly, a desperate one. I really had no choice but to alter the course I was on, opting instead to connect to the divine inside of me instead of playing ring-around-the-rosie with my demons.
At the time, I cleared out so many unhealthy things that what I was left with didn’t even resemble the me I’d come to know. I felt lighter, freer…happier. Something I wasn’t aware of when I started on my way, though, is that I’d have to face those same demons again at some point.
I think it’s inevitable; that which we think we’ve slain is only ever temporarily blighted. When we least expect it, and when we really don’t want it, that’s when our demons catch up with us once more, seeing if we’ve learned any new tricks to put them in their place. If we’re lucky, they politely ask us to take out our boxing gloves first before beating the bejesus out of us.
Hey, at least we know it’s coming.
So what then?
As my friend pointed out to me and as Richard Bach so eloquently wrote in the Bridge Across Forever, “There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.”
And so it is for anyone out there who’s felt their demons nipping at their heels lately. This, too, shall pass and when it does, the gift that is left in its place will be even greater self-awareness, fortitude, and yes, even more joy than we’d ever imagined.
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Since starting this post a few days ago, I’ve stumbled across a half dozen friends who’ve all had similar experiences. I have to believe it’s less individualized than I initially believed, and that truly, many of us are being asked to face and slay the demons from our past once and for all.
After all, we’re on the verge of entering a brand new year that will bring with it countless new blessings for those who believe in the Universe’s magic. First, though, we have to make room…
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A quick shout-out to Mike from the (since retired) blog MikeTheory.com. We had the pleasure of meeting face-to-face last weekend. Holy cats, Mike! You are such a cool, fun and interesting guy, and I’m honored to have finally met you. I can’t wait to see what’s next on your journey!